My Wellness Playlist: Notes From a Therapist in Therapy
Written by Jennifer Simmons
I am a therapist in private practice specializing in young adults with mood disorders such as depression and anxiety. I have also been in therapy for the past eight years. Below are some of the mindsets and tools from my personal work as well as client work which have helped manage mood disorders and start living a more intentional life.
Understanding the Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) model
According to the CBT model our thoughts, feelings and behaviors happen in a cycle. The cycle starts with thoughts, which impact our feelings, which in turn impacts our behavior choices.
You can build awareness around your thoughts and interrupt the cycle during the thinking stage by offering a replacement thought that is positive (or neutral), leading to fewer negative feelings. This is called cognitive reframing and it takes lots of repetition to notice an impact on our feelings, but it can lead to big changes over time.
Naming our experiences helps to depersonalize how we view them. Instead of heaping on judgment of ourselves for having a negative feeling we can label it as something we are dealing with, not something that is wrong with us. Example: “Depression is making it hard for me to feel motivated right now”
The power of gratitude. Simply speaking, it is hard to hold negative thoughts at the same time as gratitude. The more gratitude you can have, the less opportunity negative thoughts have to weasel their way in and lead to negative feelings.
Believing that self worth is inherent simply because you exist
Radical self love is a concept I learned about from the author Sonya Renee Taylor. It provides a counter argument to the unkind voice inside that says you are not good enough.
Replacing the not good enough beliefs can help leverage a new belief of worthiness into cognitive reframes. I like to reframe things through this statement “I love myself too much to….”
Once we can detach our meaning of self worth from conditions like productivity and attractiveness we make space for the question “What do I owe the world?” and the answer is not perfection, thinness, or productivity. None of these things are tied to self worth so we can give ourselves permission to question if our negative thoughts are aligned with our values. Spoiler alert: They almost never are!
Investing in yourself
It can be difficult to make space for self care. It helps to look at it as prioritizing your needs as necessary in order to give to others. In other words, you can’t pour from an empty cup.
Thinking beyond manicures and girls' night. Self care is getting enough sleep, eating a balanced diet, scheduling doctor appointments for yourself, prioritizing time to move your body, engaging in hobbies, investing in your relationships and regular therapy.
Lean into what lights you up. Find something that gets you excited and make time for that. It doesn’t matter if it’s playing video games, pottery or picking weeds.
Having boundaries
Stay in your emotional lane. Practice asking yourself the question “Is this something that directly affects me?” If the answer is no, move on without getting involved with someone else’s emotional work.
Empathy and enmeshment are different things. You can still have empathy and show care without getting emotionally enmeshed with someone else.
Having a mantra
Years ago a coworker handed me a piece of paper with a quote handwritten on it. The quote was “Discontent and disorder are signs of energy and hope, not despair” by Dame Wedgwood. I still have that piece of paper at my desk. This quote means so much to me because I can apply it to anything difficult I’m experiencing and it is a reminder I always have a choice. I can choose to surrender to despair or I can look for hope.
“I am doing a really hard thing and I'm doing my best” is another mantra that I use often with clients. This simple but compassionate mantra that challenges the judgmental thoughts we have towards ourselves
Surrounding yourself with content that lifts you up
There are lots of things we cannot control but the content we consume is ours to curate.
Brene Brown is one of my favorite writers/podcasters. Brene rubbles with topics of shame and vulnerability and goes to the hardest emotional spaces. The spaces we usually run like hell from at the first sign of shame. In comes Brene with a running start as she cannonballs herself into the deep end of the pool of vulnerability. She shows us that when you hit the water it's shocking but also refreshing. You realize you can swim and that you've known how this whole time. You can face scary feelings and they don't have to threaten your self worth.
“The truth is that falling hurts. The dare is to keep being brave and feel your way back up.” - Brene Brown
Daring to be vulnerable
Building on the concept of radical self love creates space for believing that imperfection is not evidence of worthlessness. So we don’t have to be afraid of vulnerability.
Embracing our faults and imperfections is scary but also freeing. The energy you spent worrying if you were good enough is freed up for things that serve you better.
Finding your meditation
We know meditation is a helpful tool but how many of us can meditate while sitting on the floor in silence? That kind of meditation is not easy and for many it might require getting creative to achieve that mindfulness moment.
It doesn’t matter how you get there. Anything that pauses thinking about the past and worrying about the future counts as meditating. Dance, music and art are just some of the things that can be meditative for folks. I like to sing in the car, especially when I feel tense or anxious. After a few minutes of singing I can feel the benefits of the mindfulness in my body and mind as my central nervous system regulates.
Jennifer S. Simmons (she/her/hers)
Licensed Professional Counselor
(860) 245-9899